What Taking a Break from Relationships Taught Me

My entire life was driven by the thought of keeping others happy.

I thought it was my job to keep my partner happy.

Growing up, I thought the main objective to keep a safe and happy home was to keep my parents happy. When I went to school, I made it a mission to keep my teachers happy. Even with my friends, I thought by keeping them happy was agreeing to whatever they wanted or needed from me.

At work, I was even worse. I would take on assignments and projects that normal humans could not or would refuse to take on just to keep my employer happy. Guess what? I failed miserably time and time again.

By operating this way, I would find myself heartbroken or extremely taken advantage of. Throughout my entire 46 years on this planet, I was a people pleaser. I went above and beyond the call of duty to make others feel special or important while neglecting my own emotional and mental health.

My last marriage was my biggest lesson.

I realized no matter how hard I tried to keep the peace or make my spouse feel loved, it was never good enough. What I did not realize was it was impossible to make him happy.

He was unhappy with himself.

I thought he was unhappy with me. I would go above and beyond to try to make him happy. I would make sure he had all of his belongings in a certain place so he would not be stressed before work. He was very miserable at his place of employment so whenever he was upset in the mornings due to stress, I would take it as him being upset with me or I failed him in some way.

Starting Over…Again

After fighting for my marriage and failing miserably, I was completely broken. Not only did I lose “my person”, but I felt as if my whole life had been this way. Time after time I would find myself disappointed, broken, and depressed.

I made the decision to take a break from relationships and focus on myself.

I did intense shadow work and looked back at the patterns of how I dealt with all relationships, whether romantic, friendship, or work-related. The huge aha moment? I was codependent.

I needed to change.

The first step was to dissect where this stemmed from, why it started, and how to course-correct. I knew relationships required work, but it does not require you to be miserable. It does not require you to tolerate abuse or narcissism. A relationship is two people working together in a loving and respectful manner.

A relationship should never involve fighting due to ego and selfishness.

Huge “Aha” Moment

I was drinking coffee one morning and I had an epiphany: I FINALLY realized it was not my job to make people happy. It was THEIR job to make themselves happy. It is not my partner, friends, family, or employer’s job to make me happy. It was MY job to make me happy! This realization completely shifted how I view my self-worth and happiness.

Happiness comes from within.

We have seen countless stories where a person could have a loving spouse, great children, a beautiful home, and an abundance of resources, and yet they are still miserable. Outside influences will not affect your emotional health in the long term.

To be truly at peace and content with your life, it has to come from within you.

Codependency was destroying my life.

I was only happy when others around me were happy. I could not accept the fact that a person may be going through an emotional situation and it was their storm to face; without any interference from me.

In order for a person to be truly happy, you must fall in love with yourself.

We think we are changing for the better when actually we are choosing to change for that person or that situation.

Life tends to push you towards being a productive citizen but it does not serve what makes you who you truly are. We tend to lose ourselves due to circumstances in life. In codependent relationships, you will remove aspects of yourself to fit your situation.

From there, we lose our love for life and our passions from childhood due to the stressors of life. Go back to when you were a small child. What were your hobbies? What did you want to be when you grew up? What made you smile? What was your favorite song? This is where you find yourself.

When you are happy, healed, and full of life, you will not tolerate disrespect and abuse.

You will walk away from negativity.

You will not tolerate abuse or disrespect. Your mental health and emotional stability are worth more than any relationship or career. If two people are fully healed and have mutual respect for one another, the relationship will excel. If a person is miserable with their life, the relationship will not work.

My Decision to Remain Single Until I am Whole Again

My friends urged me to “move on” and find someone else.

The best decision I made was not to move on into another relationship until I have corrected all the programming that got me where I am now. I moved on with myself. I have learned to be happy by myself. By being comfortable with myself, I have learned that I do not NEED a relationship. Once I get to a place where I am confident enough, I will make the choice to be in a relationship. See the difference?

Your partner should not complete you.

Until you are truly comfortable with yourself, you will never find happiness.

You should be complete within yourself. When you have enough self-love and respect, you will see the red flags. You will not tolerate an unhappy environment. The goal is to find someone who is on your frequency.

A relationship with people who are confident, supportive, respectful, and full of self-love cannot fail.

When a person decides they are no longer happy in a relationship (whether that be love, friendship, or work), they have every right to walk away. No matter how much you love them or the situation, if you are miserable, walk away.

If they are miserable, let them go.

We may not be able to control all things outside of our personal reality, but in our personal experience, we are the Main Character. We have the power to control our happiness and our reality. Make the decision today to enjoy the rest of your life.